Apathy; it is a word seriously misunderstood. Even those who suffer from it don’t fully understand it. Where does the lack of caring come from? Is it born and bred in us or is it environmental? When a person pulls back from the world at large and just exists out of a desire to simply wait for the end; is it right that others allow it? These are the thoughts that run through my head as I lay here in my bed.
I look in a mirror and see myself and can’t be bothered to do anything for the unwashed brown hair and dead blue eyes. I see myself in the mirror within my imagination and see someone of grandness but disappointment enters my head upon looking in reality.
My mom comes into my room and yells at me to find something to care about but she approaches wrong. She looks into my dead blue eyes and still thinks it is within me to care. In what world does it make sense to yell at the apathetic and expect results?
Where is that person who can show me how to fight for my life? Where is the person who thinks it is worth taking time out of their life to fight for me? Where is the person to get in my face and stand beside me as they force me to get off my bed and into the shower? Where is the person who will drag me out of the house and declare they would do anything rather than let me spend one more day letting myself die?
If I tell people that I want that; will I be able to trust that they really care or are they just humoring me? I stand on a bridge to nowhere crying out in my head for help but can’t be bothered to put it out there for others. I stand invisible though a crowd of people stands with me. What is the use in caring about a life where you can’t be seen to matter? The slow road to suicide begins to move faster as I sit in my room smoking cigarettes that my mom pays for though she yells at me to care about my health.
If I make my thoughts known; will others look to pass the buck or could the one who truly finds me important enough to fight for read these words and act instead? I do not know the answer. All I know is that the long sleep seems good to me now though I lack the ability to care enough to go into myself. I will continue to smoke my cigarettes, live in my head and hope the long sleep finds me before I suffer any longer.