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Popping the Bubble of Insecurity
I stand before the world but behind the walls of the box called insecurity I was placed in through bullying and never found the key to get out. Most of the blame belongs on my shoulders as I allowed this state to cost me many things that mattered a great deal in my life. At 41 I’m searching for the means to break the box but afraid I’ve chased away all my support.
Bullying is a crippling affliction when it starts young and barely lets up in the adult life. Growing up in an era when we didn’t have the massive support; being shunted behind the doors with signs reading, “Boys will be boys,” and “You know how kids are.”
Many are the feelings of wanting to fold; to give in; to lose hope. My fight is with hope and the honest belief the walls of my self-imposed prison are too thick to break. I try. Oh…how I try, to pop the bubble and reconnect to the important past but I’ve been left behind and do not know enough of the current world to connect to anyone new.
I’ll continue to try but I run from the grip of an early grave with slower and slower steps as I dive headlong into the very activities; or lacking the active; that’s turning me to face it rather than run. I sit here in front of my computer day in and day out, smoking, feeling my body getting weaker by the day and caring less and less if I ever find the real answer.
I send out my cry within the bubble; expecting backs to be turned with the earbuds in and continue to try and fail to find even one who’ll take the distractions out of their path and see something valuable worth preserving.
Sports Writing: Breanna Stewart
BREANNA STEWART
Boss steppin’ on the court as her passion stakes her claim.
Respect the grace as she dominates while you read her name.
End of game is a foregone conclusion of victory lest you bring all.
Away or home the court is hers requiring full effort to take the ball.
None but those sharing the jersey can match her b-ball beauty.
None but those facing her in the post can appreciate her fairly.
And the face on this, warrior of the rock, stirs passion hot.
Six-foot-four is her posted height and ungainly she is not.
Take a step in the wrong direction guarantees her team’s score.
Even odds or better, when she’s in her element it’s never a bore.
Winning on the court or in life is this angel’s due.
Attaining respect for the woman she is, shouldn’t be anything new.
Radiant is her soul as she stands above the rest.
The chance to see this baller in person once, fuels hope’s zest.
Distrust Is A Weight Too Heavy
It stands to reason that most people feel more distrust than trust and this is as it should be. When the weight of distrust is so heavy that it drowns any chance to trust at all, it feels like you’re holding the world up by yourself. It kills the voice and the will to keep fighting. I hear the arguments that you need to do for yourself but I’m placing it at ninety-five percent of those people could point to at least one person they trusted absolutely. The lack of being able to find even one person to trust that much kills hope. It kills self-worth. The desire to keep finding the voice and trying gets harder every single day.
She
She
Such a simple word, isn’t it? Yet, it encompasses a world of everything. Pain, glory, fun, tenderness; all parts of being a person first. Unfortunately the word, “SHE”, creates a desire in some to bring this glory down, keep it in pain, under control.
The word, “HE”, does not bring with it a set of instructions that includes treating, “SHE”, like secondary citizens. This may be harsh but it is only truth. The man who must keep, “SHE”, down is announcing to the world his cowardice; his unwillingness to face the possibility she won’t choose to stay.
The unwillingness to accept the word, “NO”, and simply make demands pours all the weaknesses out of the closet for the world to look on and judge. Speaking isn’t necessary. All it requires is the simple action of placing a harmful hand on, “SHE”, and you allow the world to glimpse your weakness in glaring detail.
Real strength comes from staring your fear of her loss in the face and saying; “I accept your choice, no matter what it is.” It comes from holding that harmful response at bay and let her choose if she wants the tender hand on her face. If that person – she – really matters to you then her happiness; wherever it comes from; should be more important than if she finds that happiness with you.
To say; “She must find happiness with me or else,” means she isn’t the most important person to you. You are the most important person to you.
If, “SHE”, truly matters then you should be able to revel in her smile; no matter what the source of that smile is.
Striving For Greater Value
To remain happy with displaying the animal sides of our natures is; in essence; denying our very humanity. It diminishes the value of the treasure to be obtained to force a woman to give of herself instead of seeking the greater reward of her free choice. I know; having been a male all my life; how hard it is to deny our animal instincts but it is this very fight; so our human minds may seek the greater treasures that await; that makes the fight worth it.
We; as human men; though it’d be easier to give into our instinctual impulses; need this fight because it makes us better men. Human men have always sought out the greatest challenges; to build, to destroy and to conquer. The greatest battle to be fought is the one against our own natures.
When we can rise above the animal; control it; and let our rational mind greater sway, we open endless possibilities because that which we seek most in this world – women – will become something more than the appeasement of a moment’s carnal delight. They become jewels, more precious than diamonds. They become wealth, greater than all the gold on the planet.
This is in response to a recent story concerning several young men forcing themselves on one young woman. The consequences to the young men will be serious but the consequences to that one young woman will be devastating for years; until she finds her value again as someone greater than a few young men’s plaything. She’s a human woman and this alone makes her worth more than all the wealth available.
We; as men; also need to hold ourselves to higher standards and say; “Our lives as free men; for the whole of our lives; are worth more than throwing it all away to appease a momentary desire.” If the woman you seek is worth throwing your life away for then, by all means, let her know the proper way so she may decide if you’re her knight. If the individual woman is only worth a few minutes of your time then value the human being and let her live as she chooses.
This isn’t about denying ourselves anything but giving ourselves a chance at something greater than giving into momentary lapses of control that could see us throwing years of our lives away and; worst of all; damaging a human woman whose only crime was; SHE WAS THERE.
We’re no longer cavemen. We’re no longer barbarians. We have the ability to be greater than that. We have the ability to say; “We’ve grown into HUMAN men and seek the greater experiences that come from balancing emotion with controlled rational thought.”
To all women who’ve experienced this pain or not; YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN PLAYTHINGS. Your free choice in the greatest treasure available.
To all men who’ve fought the battle and attained your woman’s free choice; Congratulations!
Before Your Eyes Take That Ride
Before your eyes take that ride
Left step, right step, I explode – pop – slam – into your sight.
Starting with the feet,they’re small and sweet; then ride up the calf, so smooth and neat. Keep riding up the thigh to the…Stop!
Before your eyes take that ride, look into mine where my soul resides. Make friends with my pain before you think about the gain.
The journey continues over the rear, keeping in mind the point, “most dear!” – then it’s up the abs I keep in shape, to the mounds of heavenly woman’s…Stop!
Before your eyes take that ride, look into mine where my soul resides. Give me a reason to believe, what’s found within cures your need.
I hold respect to a higher view so, when you think to follow the cues; the heat in your body provides you; my eyes should be your first stop!
Within this face that stirs your need are the orbs which grant you leave so, before your eyes take the ride look into mine and abide; there’s a world within this form that tempts your ardor’s norm and seeks recognition for its value.
If you can’t then…Stop!
Before your eyes take that ride, look into mine where my soul resides. Make friends with my pain before you seek the gain.
The Empty Struggle
Pain is such a constant friend numbness sets in; apathy. Reaching out, the hand comes back fast for the slap of indifference. Even those of close association turn their eyes away for the inability to see the pain that inspires the song. It requires the effort, the caring, to look for it. The one in pain is bound by the tightest need to remain silent and simply hope, the one needed will see them someday.
The pain is a weight that makes caring if life continues a thin string to dangle from. The one in pain holds onto that string but can’t bring the enthusiasm to care if the string breaks. The heart is broken to the empty eyes that ignore how fragile that hold is. There are reasons the pained one continues to dangle from that string and not let go; though the string cuts into the flesh to provide fresh pain, as the minutes turn to hours, the hours into days and the days into numbing years.
This titanic struggle continues to elude the understanding and hope slowly fades as a new cry goes unheard though others sit but a few feet away.
Darkness
Lost in a world of darkness waiting for the key. I pound. I scratch. I wait for eternity for the one who finds it important enough to look for me. The dark is like molasses or quicksand slowly, dragging me down. I fear the end will come before the light comes home.
I scream for help but the sounds of contentment drown my pain. Ever do I slip farther away; calling, ever calling, for the one who sees me. If anyone hears it must be faint, like the buzzing of a mosquito to be swatted at blindly.
There’s a world out there, I do remember. The locks on this prison are not for me to break. The might of heroic effort on the part another is required. A specific champion who sees into the dark and finds me; the invisible one who speaks but can’t be heard for the important messages of celebrity doings most wonderful.
Crawling to the wall in pathetic disdain, I try once again for it’s all I’ve got. The echoes of my torment keep me company.
A Simple Wish Granted
My world was rocked as she stepped through the door. Long trim legs – kick ass seat – swaying to and fro. What caught me out like a clean right hook were the tears that spoke…
Pain – like the moment of insane memory
Pain – like being told you don’t make the grade
Pain – like you’re sweetest love left with him
Pain – like the heart will break on a dime
It caught me such a blow, I was frozen as she passed. With heart feeling heavy, I walked out to try. She’s gone and I can’t help the burden dragging on my soul. Such was my hope that I’d find her again to heal the hole she left in this world without her smile.
It made me feel…
Pain – like the moment of insane memory
Pain – like being told you don’t make the grade
Pain – like you’re sweetest love left with him
Pain – like the heart will break on a dime
This chance encounter pulled at me for a three week stint. Then out of the blue we’re returned to the point when I’m granted a second try. As she passes, I swallow my fear and say; “Hi.” With hesitant voice she responds in kind.
I ask, “How are you?” She sees the genuine interest but the source has much to be desired. “I’m okay. Thank you.” She turns to leave and I’m about to be left hanging in…
Pain – like the moment of insane memory
Pain – like being told you don’t make the grade
Pain – like you’re sweetest love left with him
Pain – like the heart will break on a dime
I hung my head for the promised ritual I knew by heart. To watch as she took her pain to the next in line to add more. I couldn’t speak for the lump of pain that caused the throat to constrict.
She turns back for a smile and I let her go as my wish was granted.
D.A. Smith Author Page 